There’s an aspect of my current state as a boomer mature single that is distinctly inconvenient —my libido. In theory, sex is all men ever want and I should be handing out numbers like a deli counter. If you’re looking for the whole package—libido plus LTR—life is more complicated. (We’re not counting the twenty-eight-old aspiring toy boys who occasionally pop up online, encouraging me to be their Cougar. I promised my son not to date anyone younger than he is).
In this strange new world of mature dating, my libido at times feels like an unwelcome albatross. Isn’t sensual friskiness something I should have outgrown at this age and stage? Well, no. I want love and libido.
For libido on the dating sites, there’s the boomer senior who goes to “an interesting resort in Jamaica” (i.e. Swingers club) and can’t live without “women”—plural. There’s the articulate swain who bombarded me with erotic texts and emails, but had his issues with the LTR part, finally deciding that I was “better off without him.” (Probably true—but I was looking forward to a prolonged trial of finding that out for myself). Did I forget the high-tech nerd who boasted of his home S & M dungeon? That could have been an extremely labor-intensive LTR that would have tied me up in knots.
There are the perfectly nice guys whose interests in that part of life are age-appropriate. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but the upper range of boomers are now officially seniors, some of whom are too preoccupied with their prostate and other events of mature living to focus on rock ‘n roll and romance.
Then, there are the singles who haven’t been waylaid by their genitourinary system—they’re proudly and voluntarily not in the slightest bit interested. A friend alerted me that asexuality is now a thing.
“Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.” But then it gets way more complicated—“it may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. It may also be an umbrella term used to categorize a broader spectrum of various asexual sub-identities.” Got it?
“The asexual lifestyle] allows you to see how sex and romance can be decoupled,” says Anthony Bogaert, a professor at Canada’s Brock University and an authority on asexual research. “It allows you to see that when we automatically couple up romance and sex, as if they’re naturally together, that’s not true.” You can reach the same conclusion with no Ph.D. or academic credentials just by dating some boomer singles who have retired in more ways than one.
5,355 miles away, Japan is known to be one of the most sexless societies on earth, perhaps partly because of the demands of work, according to Michiko Toyama in Time Magazine.
“A March WHO report found that 1 in 4 married couples in Japan had not made love in the previous year, while 37% of couples in their 50s no longer have sex at all–figures that some attribute, at least in part, to the stresses of Japanese working life. Yet at the same time, the country has seen a surging demand for pornography that has turned adult videos into a billion–dollar industry, with elder porn one of its fastest–growing genres.“
Toyama’s article profiles then septuagenarian sex star Shigeo Tokuda (he is now over eighty) and his colleagues, and includes the cover of one of his popular DVDs. For anyone unable to read DVD covers in Japanese, the picture resembles a Japanese episode of Masterpiece Theatre, but tamer. In actuality, it’s an enormously popular offering of the niche: Elder or Silver Porn. This is no American wishy washy ageist stuff, complimenting an actress for looking “hot” at forty. Porn actors and actresses in their seventies—now we’re talking!
Is the answer to my plight a kimono, learning Kanji, and relocating half way around the world—assuming they’re even looking for senior gaijin click bait?
I do love sushi but Japan seems awfully far away from my usual hangouts. Not to mention friends and children.
Readers of the male persuasion who find this virtual letter in a bottle–if you’re also looking for love with libido, are reasonably sane and fit, appreciate the cultural intricacies of Hot Shots, the finer points of sages Weird Al Yankovic and Mel Brooks, and can tolerate Hugh Grant and Four Weddings and a Funeral, drop me a line. I’ll be trying on my new kimono and like the immortal Mae West, , I’ll be peeling a grape.